Day 19 of Write Every Day in November (Touch)
by whatawhatatomgirl
Summary: Hey guys so welcome to Write Every Day in November. My substitution to Write a Novel in a Month. If you guys want to do this too, feel free. After Dean refuses to be healed by Castiel in Bad Seed Castiel worries that Dean does not wished to be touched by him at all.


Day 19 of Write Every Day in November: So I count this as being in the same universe as One Last Request, but you don't need to read it to understand this. I wrote this after seeing Bad Seed and while I'm probably stretching how the last scene could be read I'm going with it.

Touch

Summary: After Dean refuses to be healed by Castiel in Bad Seed Castiel worries that Dean does not wished to be touched by him at all.

Castiel hesitated outside of Dean's bedroom. Castiel often lay with Dean after they'd been intimate. Castiel didn't sleep, but he liked watching Dean sleep. He felt like he was a protector and Dean liked it as well, though he'd never admit it. Sometimes even when they hadn't had sex Castiel would lie on the bed while Dean slept. He wasn't sure if he was wanted tonight though.

Castiel knew he'd messed up. Not only had he gone after some helpless girl, but because of him they lost Rowena. Dean's rejection of his healing powers upset Castiel. Had he angered Dean so badly that Dean didn't want to be touched by him? Dean had claimed that Castiel wasn't at fault because he was cursed, but Dean wasn't acting that way. Surly Dean wouldn't want to be touched when his most recent memory of physical contact with Castiel was being hit.

Castiel wanted to lie with Dean. He wanted to give Dean a more pleasant memory of contact between the two of them. Castiel took a deep breath and was just about to knock when the door opened. Dean looked started at first, but smiled slightly. "Was just coming to see if you wanted to spend the night with me."

Castiel felt relief and nodded. Still he was wary. Just because Dean wanted him to sleep with him didn't mean he wanted to be touched. Dean might be doing this simply to act like nothing bad had happened.

Dean stepped back and Castiel entered the room. Dean was in sleep pants and a t-shirt. Castiel took off his shoes, trench coat, and tie before getting into bed. He stayed on the far edge not wanting to get too close to Dean.

When Dean got into bed he frowned. "Cas…. why are you so far over?"

Castiel frowned. "I… I understand you don't want to be touched by me right now. I hope in time you'll let me, but I get that what happened is too fresh in your mind right now to allow that."

Dean gave Castiel a look he hadn't received in a long time. It was a look as though Castiel had grown a second head.

"Cas what the hell makes you think I don't want you to touch me?"

Castiel frowned deepened. "You would not allow me to heal you. I know I hurt you and even worse because of me Rowena escaped. I understand you're angry and that's okay."

Dean's eyes widened and he let out a sigh. "Cas that's not why I didn't want you to heal me."

Castiel must have looked as confused as he felt because Dean went on to explain.

"Cas I didn't want you to heal me because I don't want you using your powers. When Rowena cast her spell I thought we were too late. You looked like you were having a seizure Cas. I was sure that we were either too late or Rowena had cast a spell to kill you. You might be cured Cas, but you were in a bad way for a long time. We don't even know if there's any kind of lasting residual effect or anything. Not to mention your grace is still in tatters. I've dealt with bruises before and I don't want you to be weakened just because I've got a boo boo."

Castiel looked at Dean in shock as he never thought of those things. Yet it was so Dean that Castiel was more shocked that he didn't guess it himself. Castiel then remembered what Dean had said when he refused Castiel to heal him. "Why is it okay for me to be absolved of guilt when I hurt you due to a curse, but you do not give yourself the same courtesy?"

Dean sighed. "Because I know when you hurt me you were still you and you were secretly screaming at yourself to stop. You had a part of you that knew what you were doing was wrong and you wanted to stop. When I was attacking you not only did I know it was wrong, but I didn't care Cas. I wasn't watching myself hurt you and horrified by it. I wanted to hurt you and I did without guilt. The thing that caused me to summon Death was when I got back to my hotel after I let Rudy get killed I saw your beaten face in the mirror. I saw Rudy too, but it was seeing you that made me realized I needed to be killed. That if I could hurt you like that and not care then the mark had finally fully taken me over."

Castiel moved closer to Dean and gently took his hands into his face. "You do feel guilty Dean. At the time you might not have felt it, but you do now. You feel guilty and I don't care how you felt when you hurt me it was still under the influence of the curse. You need to forgive yourself Dean because I already have."

Castiel watched Dean frown deeply and when Dean nodded Castiel kissed him gently. He knew Dean was probably still blaming himself and would be for a long time, but Castiel would remind him as many times as needed that he was forgiven. Castiel didn't offer again to heal Dean though. He knew Dean would still say no and Castiel didn't want to fight with him over a bruise that would heal in a few days. 

"Dean I know you prefer to face each other while you sleep, but it can't be comfortable to lie on that side of your face. Would it be alright if tonight I hold you while you sleep on your other side?" Castiel was prepared for Dean to say no. Dean would never admit it, but he did in fact like to cuddle. Still he didn't really like spooning and especially not when he was the little spoon. Castiel wanted to hold Dean tonight though. He needed to have that extra contact to feel as though he was protecting Dean even if it was from his own demons.

Dean hesitated, but nodded and rolled onto his side and Castiel wrapped his arms around him. They didn't say I love you like most couples would, but they didn't need to. Castiel knew Dean loved him and Dean knew Castiel felt the same way. They had said it once not long after their first kiss and that was enough. Castiel would much rather show Dean affection to remind him how he felt rather than say the words that he knew were hard for Dean to say even though he meant it with all his heart. Castiel placed a small kiss to the back of Dean's neck and watched as the hunter fell asleep. Castiel spent the rest of the night watching Dean sleep and felt as he'd accomplished something when his hunter slept through the whole night peacefully.


End file.
